Emptiness
by Moment For Life
Summary: Emptiness. That is all I feel after the death of the Titanic.


I think everyone has felt empty and lonely at some point during their lives whether after the death or someone close or the breakup of a relationship. Just absolute pointless rambling after watching Titanic after a breakup...not a great combination LOL!

**Emptiness**

Emptiness. Nothing has any meaning anymore. I have lost the one person who meant everything to me. What was my life like before him? I wish I could remember then at least I may be able to retrieve some sort of feelings. My eyes are swollen and puffy from the endless crying. The constant feeling that I will be sick and the emptiness which engulfs me entire world. I have difficulty pulling the sheets back to get out of bed; I don't even bother to wash my face or brush my hair as no one will see me or even care what I look like. My head feels as though it is still catching up with my body. It seems to still be living in the past. Memories of the past three days constantly on replay in my head. I cannot seem to stop them or flick through; they simply play in chronological order. My heart breaks once again. The touch of his skin as fresh in my mind as I touch the places he once touched. I close my eyes and can feel his fingers on me but when they open I am simply alone. Everything is empty. Even if I could get past the excruciating pain of being alone in this new world, I still miss him. He had left a gaping hole in my life which I didn't realise was there until I met him. I feel as though he completed me in some way, as though he was the other half of me and together we made a whole. Despite all complications, I wanted him to be the one I stepped off the ship with. I was looking forward to this new life we had spoken so passionately about. Was I stupid for allowing my imagination to run wild and to think that we would simply be able to run away from my past?

I laid my head back down on my pillow. It wasn't even worth getting out of bed. What did I have to get up for? Nobody even knows I am alive and I doubt they even care. I have never felt as much physiological pain in which my I also feel physical pain. I ache. I long for his arms to come around my body in an attempt to cradle away my fears. It is an ache, a deep ache from the core of the body. It is a longing for the past, when I had what it was that broke my heart. It is the feeling that it is not worth getting out of bed in the morning for fear of the pain. It's completely turning my life in another direction from being used to having somebody and then changing from a completely different person, being independent and functioning as a single person alone in the world which I have never entered alone before.

I cannot become a recluse but I fear that has already happened. Tears fall all day and every day, my whole body shakes in shock from the events. Outside the window, the sky is painted a dull grey with rain threatening to fall just as it has done for the last three days. The drops battering against the window with such anger as I hold within myself. How does the weather even reflect what I feel inside? Has God painted this whole city with such grief?

Sorrow and desolation surround me and has done for days. I wonder if it is my fault. I left my family, my world for one boy who perhaps might have lived if he hadn't tried to save me? When I close my eyes I see him everywhere. He is my Heaven, my only saviour from the hell which is my life. I feel as though he blames me for his death or perhaps I just blame myself. I should have closed my eyes and died with the Titanic, not him.

A loud crash started and then the thunder came, a quick flash of lightening and then the rain slowly at first before crashing harder onto my window. My head thuds again, from the lack of sleep, food, water and too much crying. A tear comes again; I don't feel relief from crying. I feel a build up of such overwhelming emotions but no release. There is no one here to wipe my tears, to hear my cries. Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted and unknown about is the most terrible poverty but it is a feeling I fear I shall be soon growing used to. I bury my head further into my pillow, it is dark and then I see his face again, those beautiful blue eyes I feel so fast and hard into. I loved him, I know that and I love him still. I shall love him for eternity. His presence in my life has changed me forever in more ways than I know myself.

I knew that our life together would not have been easy but yet I underestimated just how hard it would be. If he was here now what would we be doing? I would be happy I know that much. Mother told me not to dwell on the past when my father died and I spiralled into some dark place for many months I possibly still am in the place except now I have sank even further. Is it even possible to get out?


End file.
